If you could have a superpower what would it be? The ability to see other people’s thoughts? Seeing the future? Effective communication? Being very charming and a popular person?
Have you been wondering what can give us a great deal of pain in our everyday lives? People.
The people surrounding us and we give credit to. The ones that matter a lot, and at times those, who matter less…
Being social creatures, most of us do care, even if we decide not to. We all would like to be appreciated, loved, and cherished by our friends, family members, and social circles, by those we consider important. We possess a deeply-seeded need to feel welcomed, accepted, and even adored for our core being. It is as important to our self-image, as breathing to our lungs.
We consciously or subconsciously try to convince and influence the people who matter to us. Most of us crave to belong somewhere, and while doing so we tend to feel we need to earn it. So we work hard for the given circle’s social acceptance. Bowing our heads to those unwritten rules that are so clearly visible when we are becoming members of a specific social group.
Why do we Play the Social Game?
For status? For acceptance? To belong somewhere? Not to feel lonely? Because everyone does it? You have probably already asked yourself such questions.
The common denominator of human life is that we want to achieve something that challenges our limits before we leave this planet. Be it a project, career promotion, a physical or leisure activity, we all strive to become more. It grants us a feeling of ease that I achieved what I came here for. So, what can provide us a solid soil/foundation to realize our success? Hard work? Surely helps. Having the right attitude? Necessary. Self-reliance? Works to a healthy extent.
The right network of people? Getting close…
When we feel as if we aren’t accepted for who we are, we can feel a great amount of frustration, anger, and resentment. We feel as if our true being isn’t worthy or valuable. Without understanding and digesting these emotions, they can linger and cause great distress for anyone, not just for the highly sensitive. Don’t let these undealt feelings destroy your life!
Sometimes, out of the blue, toxic people enter our lives and we are caught off guard. We can find ourselves being badly manipulated without having a clue at first. These people can shake our core being, giving us lots of headaches at the beginning that eventually can lead to psychological damage or even illnesses, making us feel like we are losing everything.
We can feel like we have invested a great amount of energy, time, and effort, only being used and abused by a not too well-meaning person. They can be your life partner, co-worker, business partner, friends. In the worst-case scenario, these people are among your family members. It can take years to heal after being in contact with an abusive person.
So what can you do to overcome such poisonous relationships?
How to do this smartly?
Create space
If it feels like you aren’t among the right people who lift you, or you encounter other major life challenges that bring you down, stop and take a break. Rethink and readjust. Give yourself enough space to find the cause of your problem by asking yourself honest questions:
Why am I not happy in this situation? In what way I don’t feel accepted or respected by the given person/people in my life? What was I giving in and did it feel like it was coming from the right place? Do the giving and taking feel in balance? Have you considered the efforts and struggles of the other party/parties that may contribute to the outcome? Take notes to get clear…
It’s not always about you, relax and enjoy the game
We often don’t know what’s going on in the other’s head, hence we can’t truly know our friends, relatives, colleagues, or even our significant other. We spend a lifetime trying to get things done, overcoming obstacles, and growing into the best person we can be. And in the little time spent with those who are important to us, we tend to lack the emotional maturity to create healthy bonds and understand each other deeply, or we are energetically deprived by the time we get to spend time together. These priceless values are not well-taught by our society, neither do our lifestyles allow enough room to work out one another. So what can you do?
Don’t take everything personally
It might hurt to hear, but more often than not, it isn’t about you! It is about the little voice in your head or ego if you like that creates various untrue stories to prove why you are unworthy, not good enough, what you should be worried about or fearful of. Studies show that about 80% out of the 12 to 60 million thoughts we think on average a day are negative; we are simply programmed in that way. What does it say about your thoughts? Well, cut the negative ones as they have a thin chance of being valid. Your ego wants to protect you by being recognized. But what if it undoubtedly feels personal?
If it feels personal stand up for yourself
How do you know you truthfully reached adulthood, no matter your age? Being responsible by standing up for yourself through taking a well-planned action. To be in charge of your social-well being, and communicating your needs and desires with others, creating healthy boundaries, especially with problematic people. And not letting them cross those. Never allow a person or situation to get your best, know your worth, and that if one door closes another usually opens.
Remind yourself you cannot change others, and if needed chant the mantra this is only temporary and it is not affecting me seriously. What if your encounter with someone hurts deeply?
Use your pain to channel it into work
If you are disappointed in some social setting, know that you can always create something new. New relationships, new work projects, therefore more values that make you feel better. Recycle your pain smartly; channel it into your work or a project that creates the change you need. You can always benefit from the hurt of the ego and use its nourishing power to touch lives. Our dark side always goes hand in hand with our light; our true gifts stem from our shadows.
Finally, be strong, appreciate the lessons, and be prepared to start all over again. And don’t forget, self-confidence is key. Keep in mind that our lessons can reappear as long as we are unwilling to learn from them. Anyhow hurtful, this is part of life, and usually by starting from scratch provides us a clear page in life’s book of opportunities to create change and become greater as a species as well as social animals.
